अक्सर लोगों को यह कहते सुना है मैंने,
चंद दोस्त बनाये रखना, जो अंत में ले जायें काँधे पे तुझे।
जिस जिस्म को रूह छोड़ चली उस जिस्म से मोह कैसा
रिश्ते बनाने हैं तो दिल से बनाओ
अंत तक मन में सिर्फ स्वार्थ रहे
यह जीना भी कैसा जीना।
Do you know what is life? Do you know what you want and have you got all the answers to the Why’s and What’s of your mind?
I don’t know if I will ever get mine answered, I am not even sure if I really want to know them. What, after you get all the answers?
At this point of my life I don’t know where I am and where I am going, may be few years back I knew what I wanted, and how I wanted it, but now I am clueless and that is the best part because when you have no idea you look for new ideas and they give you a new perspective.
All our life we train ourselves to say NO, to make our life easy. But what fun it would be to say YES. NO is good but YES is amazing. Till forty I was happy with my NO’s. Now I am all set to make ripples and let those ripples make me.
It’s not that there is something wrong now or that earlier it was better, it’s just everything is new, unexpected, unplanned and I am loving it. I loved it then too but this is Full of possibilities.
I just realised we all are flowing into the stream of water. Sometimes it’s clean and clear, you can see everything, you enjoy the flow. Before you even think you are getting bored of the steadiness of the flow, you are thrown into the fall. From there it goes crazy, water pushes you down every time you find some strength to come up and breathe. In the beginning you love the excitement of it, untill you see this is just the beginning and that there are many many falls in front of you and you pray to go back to that steadiness.
Sometimes you are hit by rocks and sometimes you just get a hold of that same rock, take a breath on that very same rock which had torn you apart. That rock is now your saviour.
But then you again have to let it go into that very flow of possibilities. We pray for the shore.
No I don’t want it, I don’t seek the shore. I want to keep flowing till the end. Now only death will take me to the shore.
But then again it will be only my physical body at the shore. My soul will be free to flow even then…
My dad had an amazing life, full of strange, weird, funny, naughty, exciting, daring experiences, you can add as many adjectives as you know under the sun.
He was born in a small village of Uttar Pradesh. It is an old saying that the chances to survive is meek if it is a third born child.
My grandma had a very hard time giving birth to my dad, all the village ladies were afraid that they might lose both the child and mother, they were ready to let go of the child, anyway my dad came to this world alive and my grandma picked up her health after sometime.
My aunts used to tell me that “Your dad was so weak and worned off that they had to keep him half dipped in a big pan filled with musturd oil”.
Wow! Isn’t it remarkable how in old days people used natural resources but with great respect and responsibility, believed in their insticts and had an observant eye and had something or other for everything.
I don’t know if my dad is a born fighter or was just lucky. Well after so much pain and sacrifices my dad turned out to be a complete brat. He was one of those village kids who despite of being poor, very dark complexion and backward never bowed down to anything or anyone, yes he is our very own angry young man.
You all must be thinking why I have highlighted cast, colour and poverty in a negative manner. But here what I wanted to say is you will be who you want to be, your attitude towards yourself will define you, not what colour you are of and what name or community you have.
Well going further with the story;
As a child I used to think that my dad must be a Super man, he can do everything, we just need to put finger on something and it was there. His knowledge in almost every field was impeccable.
No matter how strong a man he seems to be his heart is equally mushy. His love, care and dedication towards people around him, is unmatched.
He is in his late 70s now, yet I have never seen him tired or down, touchwood. I wish he stays like that for many more years to come, Always full of life.
Of course he is not a man of perfection. He has got flaws too and out of many, one that scares the hell out of me is, no not alcohol but driving. I am not really a big fan of his driving skills. People actually thank God, when they put their foot on ground. Yup, besides my brother he too taught me how to drive 🙂 and couple of months back he told me, I am an aggressive driver, and should drive carefully :))
Both my siblings and I always ask him to write about his life journey because he has told us few of his life incidents which are amazing but he never listens. Maybe some day I will right his biography. I know he is not some famous person but we all have some history and stories to tell which we must share.
I don’t know why I started writing about my dad, may be because of all the amazing stories he has told us or may be I still believe that he actually is superman. Reason could be anything or nothing.
When a person becomes a parent or a dad we expect them to be more responsible more sensible and more of everything, that we forget to see them as just a person who is more than a dad or mom, they are a child too, they feel young too.
They are more than just a superman, they are, a person with a world inside them.
धुल उड़ती सड़के, धुँआ छोडती गाड़ियाँ
सड़क का सफ़र भी बड़ा अजब होता है।
एक गाँव से दूसरा गाँव,
एक शहर से दूसरा शहर,
सब बदलता रहा।
रहन सहन, बोल चाल खान पान
बादलों का रुख भी कई बार बदला
दिन से रात, रात से दिन भी बदली
कहीं सूखा कहीं हरियाली
कहीं दूर तक पानी ही पानी
और कहीं अंतहीन बंज़र ज़मीन।
रंग बदला ढंग बदला
जाने कितनी बार मेरा मन भी बदला
पर जो नहीं बदला
वोह थी ज़िन्दगी
थोड़ी खुश मिजाज़ तोह थोड़ी दर्द भरी
कहीं बच्चे की किलकारी जैसी नयी
तोह कहीं किसी पेड़ के सूखे पत्ते की तरह
अपनी आखरी पड़ाव की तैयार करती
ये ज़िन्दगी बस हर जगह एक ही जैसी।
He fell in love and lost everything. But he didn’t know life is more about money and power. Either we play it intentionally or we just bacome a pawn, in the game of chess, chess of life. He might have started as a pawn but life taught him good enough to call it a check mate. But down the road winning the game of life, he lost something very important to him once, LOVE.
When you have nothing to write even when continuously thousands of rain drops keep knocking on your window pane, wind blowing confused, cold, humid and sometimes just still. Yet nothing pops in your head. You observe, you feel, you enjoy every moment taking place all around you. No rush to click pictures when you are enjoying what you see, you just want save it in your memory chip and just be a part of the grand orchestra that the weather is playing.
I don’t know why, but I have this tendency of going blank on D-days or when so much is happening around me. Be it the day I fell in love, I should have shouted it loud to all my friends but no, I went blank. Blank enough to not to let the poor guy know that something is going on in my head with him inside it, huh let me replace poor with lucky. Lucky that he didn’t have to see the moody blue side of mine, poor in that context is my husband.
Well going further..
The day I achieved something, though I don’t remember if I have ever achieved anything; must have gone blank then too, to remember anything 😉
My first night, of course being a girl who believed in fairytales and lived a life full of fantasy’s. I also thought of it like any other girl or boy, but yup, I went blank again. No details please.
I also went blank on the most important moment of my life, when I was about to deliver my daughter. I was almost chanting in my head that the moment I will hear my child’s weeping voice I would ask the doctors if my child is doing fine and if it is a baby girl or boy, but then again I was just so in my infamous blank mode. I heard my daughters crying sound getting faded away but other than that, everything was so blank then, even doctors were shut.
Why even they didn’t say anything like, “You have a daughter and she is fine.” but nothing just nothing. I wonder if they were people of my clan, the tribe of blank-ies. And the funny part is when they were working with their knives and scalpel on me in the OT, both, my doctor, anaesthetist and the lovely mother to be chose to have a discussion on corruption, great timing isn’t it.
After I was done, sewed upon and left in a room by myself I wondered WHY? Why I am like this? I started sulking in guilt and before I could beat myself to death by all that stupid thinking, I saw the faces of my family members all happy, smiling, talking about my little daughter. That how she is exactly as I have pictured her in my dreams, thoughts and in my talks.
I remember, I was simply happy.
There was no particular emotion but just peace, stillness just like that wind.
Not a single word, I uttered. I looked at my husband he had same smile on his face. He held her in his arms, sat beside me, that was the first time I saw my daughters face, I just kept looking at her, when my husband said, “You can touch her she is your own baby.” I laughed as I was again blank.
But it was a beautifully peaceful moment, I remember.
Infact all those blank moments were the most beautiful moments of my life and I would love to remember them like this only, it’s a feeling of nirvana I guess.
So my friend, at least for me,
Blank is the new awake…