Not again.

Yesterday I woke up with jitters, I checked the time on my mobile, it was almost four in the morning.

I got out of my bed, sat on the sofa chair, took a deep breath and started thinking of the dream that made my heart beat so loud that it burned my ears and it seemed like something was gonna burst out of my ears. 

I saw my mom in my dream, I saw her coming towards me, I was happy. But then I realised, she was saying something and I was not able to hear her; not a single word, no sound, nothing. Even her face was blurry.I got so scared, I woke up.

Even though I was awake but this thought kept on haunting me, “Am I going to forget her voice, her laugh, her face when she smiled or when she was all angry and furious at me? Is she going to disappear from my thoughts, memories, life? I know I remember her almost everyday, I know every now and then she becomes a part of my conversation, I remember her when I buy something new, I remember her when I go out for a walk, I remember her when I am in pain.” 

It was painful when she died, but we told ourselves that it’s part of life, eventually it will happen to all of us, sooner or later. 

But the most scary and painful part is to live in fear, to lose someone very dear to us, again from our memories. 

I know this time I will not let her go, from my thoughts, heart, mind… but the fear still lingers around.

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4 thoughts on “Not again.

  1. You will survive.. That’s the first thing people tell you after you lose someone.. And in a way they are right.. In time, we all find a way to pick pieces and move on.. What they forget to mention is the fact that survival and happiness are not always the same thing.. It’s ok to be fearful n sad but don’t let it overpower your mind and control you..

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    • True, I guess that’s the right way to live a healthy life…it’s fine to be emotional and have sentiments but shouldn’t dwell upon it…universe is all about balance after all…we need to keep if all aligned 🙂 thanks rekha

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