When you have nothing to write even when continuously thousands of rain drops keep knocking on your window pane, wind blowing confused, cold, humid and sometimes just still. Yet nothing pops in your head. You observe, you feel, you enjoy every moment taking place all around you. No rush to click pictures when you are enjoying what you see, you just want save it in your memory chip and just be a part of the grand orchestra that the weather is playing.
I don’t know why, but I have this tendency of going blank on D-days or when so much is happening around me. Be it the day I fell in love, I should have shouted it loud to all my friends but no, I went blank. Blank enough to not to let the poor guy know that something is going on in my head with him inside it, huh let me replace poor with lucky. Lucky that he didn’t have to see the moody blue side of mine, poor in that context is my husband.
Well going further..
The day I achieved something, though I don’t remember if I have ever achieved anything; must have gone blank then too, to remember anything 😉
My first night, of course being a girl who believed in fairytales and lived a life full of fantasy’s. I also thought of it like any other girl or boy, but yup, I went blank again. No details please.
I also went blank on the most important moment of my life, when I was about to deliver my daughter. I was almost chanting in my head that the moment I will hear my child’s weeping voice I would ask the doctors if my child is doing fine and if it is a baby girl or boy, but then again I was just so in my infamous blank mode. I heard my daughters crying sound getting faded away but other than that, everything was so blank then, even doctors were shut.
Why even they didn’t say anything like, “You have a daughter and she is fine.” but nothing just nothing. I wonder if they were people of my clan, the tribe of blank-ies. And the funny part is when they were working with their knives and scalpel on me in the OT, both, my doctor, anaesthetist and the lovely mother to be chose to have a discussion on corruption, great timing isn’t it.
After I was done, sewed upon and left in a room by myself I wondered WHY? Why I am like this? I started sulking in guilt and before I could beat myself to death by all that stupid thinking, I saw the faces of my family members all happy, smiling, talking about my little daughter. That how she is exactly as I have pictured her in my dreams, thoughts and in my talks.
I remember, I was simply happy.
There was no particular emotion but just peace, stillness just like that wind.
Not a single word, I uttered. I looked at my husband he had same smile on his face. He held her in his arms, sat beside me, that was the first time I saw my daughters face, I just kept looking at her, when my husband said, “You can touch her she is your own baby.” I laughed as I was again blank.
But it was a beautifully peaceful moment, I remember.
Infact all those blank moments were the most beautiful moments of my life and I would love to remember them like this only, it’s a feeling of nirvana I guess.
So my friend, at least for me,
Blank is the new awake…